I’m finally ready to open up a little today. I haven’t blogged in a while. Most of you know my dad passed away yesterday morning. We haven’t always had the strongest relationship in the world but, I never imagined losing him so soon. We were just rebuilding our relationship last year after he got sicker. The doctors thought he had pancreatic cancer but, they couldn’t find it in his body after numerous tests. I was grateful and thought that meant he would be with us for a lot longer. Clearly, I was wrong.
This isn’t the 1st time my dad left us though. He’s been “cheating death” since his Vietnam days. He use to tell me stories about jumping out of planes, seeing his friends die right in front of him, having to take a few lives himself and even losing his life a few times, etc. I hated hearing those stories because I am NOT into war. I’m all about love. However, my dad is a Veteran and has received many metals, taught himself six languages and was respected amongst his peers. If it wasn’t for his involvement in the war, I wouldn’t have gone to college.
Even though he was sick last year and many of us thought he wouldn’t make it, I’m still in shock and disbelief. I actually called him last night to hear his voice but, his phone was already off. Who turns off the cell phone of a person who passed away that same day? Then again, who calls a person who has passed away?
Right now, I keep blocking out thoughts because I’m not ready to accept the fact that he is gone. I’m angry with him because he didn’t take better care of himself but, he couldn’t control his habits. I’m upset because one of my brothers won’t be able to say goodbye or see him one last time because he messed around and has been in prison for the last 9 years. As a matter of fact, he gets out next year. My graduation is coming up and my dad won’t be there. This would’ve been his first time attending any graduation or ceremony I’ve participated in. Not that I’m getting married anytime soon but, he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when some blessed and highly favored (yes he will be all that to have my hand in marriage) man decides to make me his good thing. He never got to walk my older sister or step-sister down the aisle. I battled with the idea but, decided I would if the opportunity presented itself one day. He won’t be there when I or my younger sister finally have kids. Most people try to think about the times they’ve shared with those who pass on but, I have slim to none. The times I mentioned were going to be the good times I look back on. Now they will happen without him.
I’m not looking forward to going to the funeral even though all my family will be there. I keep praying that there will be no drama (it’s already getting started by 1 member). This is just a big mess (from my point of view). I can’t believe I’m even writing about it. I wouldn’t be V if I didn’t though. I’ll probably write more about all the people my dad is leaving behind in another blog at another time. Sorry if this blog is dark and all over the place. Trust me, it’s worse in my mind than it reads.
Thank you all for your prayers and support during this difficult time in my and my families’ life. I haven’t even met a majority of you but, I feel so much love when I read tweets, comments or even text messages. Thank you again for your continued support. It really does help a lot! Until next time…
